I'm very afraid of loneliness. Probably because my parents isolated me.
I'm extremely annoyed by people that tell me how I should live my life. Or, are able to control the way I live my life. They remind me of my father.
My parents fought a lot. So I'm very conflict adverse.
I think the above make me very prone to people pleasing. I don't want them to leave because they don't like me. And I don't want to fight them because I hate conflict and it will make them leave.
I'm an empath. I'm not sure why. But I remember having visceral reactions to homeless people in NYC.
One way to get my parents not to fight was to perform well. One way to not make my parents angry was to perform well. I need to perform well - otherwise my idols turn against me. One way to be notable in school was to perform well. My identity in America was determined by my ability to perform well. To compete and win.
I cherish control. There's nothing else that makes me more relaxed. It brings me a lot of pleasure. It's what I'm always chasing. If I can work on relinquishing it, I think I'd have a lot more fun in life.
I wouldn't say I'm a control freak, though. It's more like ... I need a certain amount of control - but don't derive enjoyment from much more than that amount. At least, in certain contexts.
I think the obsession with control comes from the fact that I (at least, think) that I've never had control. It's always felt like I could never control anything - that my parents would fight, that my partners would slip away, that my grades would slip, that I couldn't get anything right.